Bob sat at the bar and stared at Flipper and thought to himself “I should have stayed home and watched a DVD”.  Flipper was on his usual rant about penguins girls thinking they are so much better than tuna fish.  Bob had once tried to tell Flipper that it could just be that penguins and tuna fish did not mix but Flipper would not hear it. 

Flipper afterall was sure that he was part penguin.  His profile was penguinish he would swear and Bob would not argue with him.  Afterall what did it matter ?  Flipper was a good drinking buddy and provided the occasional diversion from the drearey bar environment.

“I’ll get the next round” Said Bob, Flipper had gotten the last round but this was more of a desire to get away from Flippers whining than anything else.  Plus Bob would get to stare at Tiara’s ample flippers while she served him their drinks.  A drunken night many months ago Bob had ended up with Tiara and found out that the flippers were as fake as Tiara’s smile but in the twilight of the bar they looked as amazing as any set of flippers Bob had seen.

 As Bob walked towards the bar he noticed a giant white blob, for a second Bob thought a baby polar bear had wandered into the bar before realizing he was looking at a ridiculously fat penguin.  A fat penguin reading Foucault’s Pendulum.  Bob briefly wondered if she was French, it was exactly the sort of book a French girl would be reading, hard to understand, pretentious and ultimatly unsatisfying. 

Before Bob could help himself he blurted out “ahh how do you like Eco ?”

3 months later

Bob was being suffocated, he opend his eyes and realized that one of Michelle’s flippes was on him.  Bob thought to himself “Brain I hate you, you do realized that we are now screwed, we will forever be known as the guy who sleeps with fat penguins.  All because you love a girl who can use complicated words, I swear if this ends badly I am gonna punish you by doing 21 shots of shrimp juice.  And Liver don’t be a pussy about it like last time.”  Bob slowly dug himself out of the bed and went for his morning run trying to sweat the smell of Michelle off of his feathers.

Two hours later Bob made his way back home thinking that maybe he could eat breakfast without waking her up, although the smell of food was sure to bring her to the table in no time.  But Bob didn’t have any time to follow up on these thoughts as he got back and saw that Michelle was all packed and ready to go.

“What are you doing ?  Where are you going ?”  It was amazing just half an hour ago Bob was thinking of ways to get rid of her and now he was crushed that she would be leaving.

“I am leaving you Bob, you are a selfish asshole who only thinks about himself.  You never care about my needs, …. and I am sorry but you give horrible head”

“Are you insane ?  I told you about the tuna smell down there, it could be a serious medical condition you need to see a dr”

“ha my new boyfriend gives great head and he never complains, I am sorry Bob but I am leaving you for good”

“new boyfriend ?  huh who the hell is he ”

“Umm this is ackward…”  Flipper walked out holding a box of Michelle’s books.

“Flipper, I can’t believe it, you are leaving me for a tuna fish ?”

“Well like I said he gives great head and besides he’s part penguin, just look at his profile.”

 ”OF COURSE he doesn’t care about the smell, he’s a tuna fish, the tuna fish smell is normal to him”

“now now Bob just because you are getting dumped doesn’t mean you have to get all out of sorts, just wait a few minutes and we’ll be out of here”

Bob stared at the empty apartment.  The empty bed and the empty bookshelves.  Then thought to himself “Brain you are so going to pay for this”.  Bob took out his cell phone and dialed Tiara’s number. 

So the other day I needed something to read so I went to the book store browsed around bought Umberto Eco‘s Foucault’s Pendulum. Now I had no idea who the heck Eco is, the cover was interesting, the reviews good, I figured this will be a good read. Umm no. The last time I felt this frustrated reading something I was reading Edgard Allen Poe, actually scratch that I don’t think I have ever felt as frustrated reading anything. Here are are just a few of the words on page 9-10 that I don’t know.

velocipedes, draisiennes, boudoir, transept, telluric.

Ok ready for the best part ? pages 9-10 were the easiest pages out of the first 14 pages. In fact I am going to have to re-read those pages while sitting next to the computer, the dictionaries I have access to don’t have most of these words. Seriously who is this Eco guy ? and why is he writing in this way ? My head still hurts, how the hell is this book an international best seller ? who read it all the way ? is this some sort of challenge ? what prize do I get at the end ? a giant cookie ? will there be a giant glass of milk to go with it ?

Did you guys know about this Eco guy ? seriously ? am I the only one who was in the dark ? I feel like I was walking along minding my own business when someone jumped out of the bushes and hit me in the head with a literary shovel and then stood there laughing while I lay on the ground bleeding the alphabet. Now instead of alphabet my head is packed full of symbols like 麵包 and 臟 and 醫 fun right ? I mean I have easy stuff too like 大 and 生 but it’s mostly 什麼 rather than 人. my head still hurts.

Sometimes I see something and I feel that I have to share it with you guys no matter what. In this case I was speechless, this is a random article I came across.

In 1996, Cambridge (England) University researcher Fiona Hunter, who studied penguins’ mating habits for five years, reported that some females apparently allow male strangers to mate with them in exchange for a few nest-building stones, thus providing what Hunter believes is the first observed animal prostitution. According to Dr. Hunter, all activity was done behind the backs of the females’ regular mates, and in a few instances, after the sex act, johns gave the females additional stones as sort of a tip. [BBC News, 2-26-98]

What can you add to that ? Are there penguin pimps out there ? do they have conventions ? Do they beat their penguin hoes and take their stones ? Are there penguin pimp/hoe parties ?

Went on a river trace, took a few pictures.

Stories in bars are always good because you never know how they are going to end up. You can just be sitting there when you notice a girl across the bar, she’s not beautiful but neither is she ugly she’s smartly dressed and you can see the professionally colored hair spilling around her shoulders. She glances up for just a second and you note a single tear slowly breaking new trail down her face leaving a glistering trail for her fellow sisters to take. As the tear loses itself in her drink you wonder why is she crying ? Maybe the beer is too bitter ? Or the bar too far ? A bad day at work ? Or a recent heartbreak ? Maybe the latest breakup made her take stock and it reminded her of how her relationships have ended for the past 10 years, with her sitting alone at a bar.

Maybe she is thinking back to that first time, when she had just graduated from college and started her new job. She had just gotten her first apartment and was on her own for the first time. Choosing a local bar that would be “her” bar had not been an easy task, the place had to be both trendy and local. Just as she had sat down to enjoy her cosmopolitan she noticed him and his large backpack.
A few cosmopolitans later she knew his name was Marcello and he was backpacking his way across the world. She shyly asked if he had a place to spend the night and when he said no she offered her couch. In the morning she lazily got up and reflected on how grand it was to be on her own how she could have never done this back home. Of course in the morning light Marcello looked more like a pudgy pizza delivery guy than the handsome world traveler she had seen when they had met at the bar. Before she could decide what to do Marcello grunted awake and asked her where the coffee was. Not sure how to respond to this romantic query she responded with “down the street in StarBucks”, apparently Marcello really liked his coffee since he quickly departed in search of it.

Thinking this was not how things happen in movies she scrawled her name/number/address on a piece of paper and handed it to him. An hour later when Marcello still had not re-appeared and she made her way out of her apartment she noted the scrap of paper on the side of the street. This was after all the real world and not the movies. She steeled herself for the day ahead and tried to forget Marcello.

If only she had known that poor Marcello had looked in the wrong direction as he had tried to cross the street and had been hit by a speeding bus. Before his sudden demise Marcello intended to buy a full breakfast and surprise her with it. Sometimes that’s just how life works out. Or maybe the girl at the bar is wearing her contacts backwards. It’s probably best not to read too much into what we see. We end up making elaborate stories that don’t involve any monkeys and really any story that doesn’t have at least one monkey/penguin in it is not worth writing.

WE LOVE JAPAN, WE LOVE JAPAN NOT SAFE for work, the clip itself is fine but they have porn ads next to it.