Things that amuse me way too much.

There was a Koala bear bear that decided it was tired of the boring life in Australia, and decided it would go to NY.
On his first day there, he picked up a hooker for sex.
When he was finished having sex he got up to leave, and the hooker said “excuse me but aren’t you forgeting something, and he replied…”I don’t think so.”
The hooker grabs a dictionary and looks up hooker and shows it to him..Hooker = A lady who has sex for money.
“Really”, he said, and proceeded to look up Koala Bear in the
dictionary to show her….
Koala: An Australian marsupial that eats bushes, shoots, and leaves.

And finally my hero, Spongebob.

00:00

I hear stifled laughter as I open my eyes and then I see a bunch of penguins to my right, no they are not penguins but rather guys dressed in tuxedos, and lo and behold I am wearing a tuxedo as well but why I am on the ground in some old ladies lap, then I remember I am one of the grooms men. An old lady asks if I am alright and points me to a seat, the wedding coordinator suddenly appears and hands me a cold towel and a glass of water. It appears that I have passed out at one my best friends wedding. It seems to have calmed the bride down at least, she’s not crying anymore but Charlie is looking straight ahead refusing to let anything interrupt the wedding. I can’t believe I fainted during their vows.

-18 months

“puff puff pass motherfucker”

“yeah yeah keep your pants on we are not going anywhere, look over there”

“What ?”

“It’s more nothingness”

We are about 40 minutes outside of El Paso in Texas. I am helping Charlie move to Austin from San Jose and we’ve been on the road for two days. This is our own version of Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, we have dropped some psychedelic mushrooms, drank and smoked pot on our journey and basically drugged ourselves to the gills, it helps with the nothingness. Being a responsible person I insisted we get some form of breakfast before we lit up another joint. We have just finished a greasy McDonald’s breakfast and are passing the mother of all joints back and forth.

“Hey dude what’s that sign”

“oh that’s just for the Mexicans that try to cross”

“it said if light is flashing check point in ½ mile”

“was it flashing ?”

“ahh yeah”

“FUCK”

The window flies down, the half drunk six pack is thrown out of one side, the joint out the other, we both start to smoke cigarettes hoping we can get the smell of pot out of the car, it’s a hopeless task. We reek of marijuana and alcohol there’s nothing we can do about it. I pull to a stop at the check point inhaling my cigarette like it’s the last one I will ever have. The border patrol guy takes a look at my blood shot eye, the car piled full of Charlie’s crap and asks me where we are moving from, I say CA. He takes another look at us, mentally calculates how much paper work he’d have to fill out if he busted us and waves us through.

I start to breath again, and look over at Charlie, I can’t believe we made. Charlie looks at me and says

“dude turn around, we can find that joint, we only smoked half of it”

-2 month

“dude I am getting married’

“no way, you gotta be kidding me, don’t do it man”

So goes the conversation for two weeks as I try to dissuade Charlie from getting married, I tell him about divorce rates and how he should wait longer, at the end he’s sure it’s the right decision and I am very happy for him.

-1 hour

I walk into the hotel room, John and Mike (names have been changed to protect the guilty) are passing the bong around. I laugh and join in, it’s been at least a year since I’ve smoked any weed and this is as good an occasion as any. John and Mike insist I finish each hit, I am not sure why they are so insistent. After my fifth hit they tell me this is special wedding pot, the pot is laced with hashish. Perfect, I already feel different. This is going to be one hell of a wedding.

-20 minutes

Charlie looks scared and confused, not sure how he has ended up here, the bridesmaids are yelling at us as we drive away towards the nearest bar. We have a last drink, a double shot of gray goose vodka, this is going to be an amazing wedding. It’s a good thing I am the responsible one.

-10 minutes

Snake (the best man) comes up to me and presses two small pills into my hands, what is it I ask, he smiles and says don’t worry about it. Take one now and one later. I look down, two small harmless looking pills. I swallow both, Snake busts out laughing. I feel like a big man. Have I mentioned that this is going to be a great wedding ?

10 minutes

We are taking pictures and everyone is asking me if I am ok and if I have ever fainted before. I laugh and tell them that the bride looked nervous so I wanted to get her to relax. It feels unbearably hot. Snake walks up to me and with nervous eyes says

“dude if the cops show up you didn’t get anything from, I am on parole I can’t go back to jail man.”

“it’s cool, man what was in those pills”

“dude you didn’t get anything from me”

It’s at this point that I realize Snake is not doing much better than myself, in fact none of the grooms men are doing well. I look over at John and Mike and they look back at me with glassy eyes. Someone whispers “hey there leaning tower of Persia” and we all bust out laughing.

30 minutes

I have to escort a bridesmaid out for a final walk but I just can’t breath, I ask to stay behind which is fine, we had one extra grooms man anyways. The 16 year old bridesmaid I had been flirting with earlier helps to loosen my bow tie and I remind myself of Snakes buddy who is doing jail time for sleeping with a 17 year old high school student.

40 minutes

I am sitting at the head table and drinking water, I still can’t calm down I am really starting to wonder at what the hell was in those pills, it could have been rat poison for all I know. I look over at Snake but he won’t look at me. Finally as they are doing a last row call and toasting I quickly walk outside, I feel my stomach shake but I hold it in till my head is outside, the vomit makes a perfect parabola as it leaves my mouth. I immediately feel better but the feeling is short lived.

1 hour

The wedding coordinator is a saint, she had someone show up with a mop and clean the floor. Charlie and his new wife make it clear that I’ve relaxed everyone enough and that I can go home. I finally find out what was in those pills. 10Mg of vicodin, the strongest prescription for vicodin you can buy. Here’s a description.
“The analgesia provided by 10mg of hydrocodone is approximately equal to 10mg of morphine, and is approximately two thirds as strong as methadone. Apart from remedying a plethora of aches and pains, hydrocodone brings a feeling of intense inner peace, but the individual does not become groggy and remains paradoxically alert. The addictive quality comes from the cheer up sensation of taking the pill and desire to repeat its considerable euphoric effects. Some individuals feel hydrocodone almost upon ingestion, although peak effects occur in approximately an hour and a half to one and three quarter hours. Hydrocodone can be dosed every 4-6 hours. It has a long half life lasting about 8 hours after dosing. The feeling is very similar to methadone, and also has the same cumulative effects if one doses before the last dose has worn off. Hydrodocone is highly physically addictive, and one can catch a habit from a mere 48 hours of continuous use. ”

2 hours

I am in my hotel room, Mike has kindly agreed to show up and take my tuxedo back, I am taking the first flight out in a few hours and I just want to get some sleep. But Mike has some other plans, as I lay in bed and watch the ceiling move he lays down a thick line of cocaine.

“come on man, we have to get back to the party, this is just what you need”

I wonder what sort of a trip Mike is on, I’ve passed out once, thrown up twice and am drugged out of my skull the only reality I know is that I don’t need any more drugs.

“no man this is an upper, it’ll wake you right up and we can get back to the party”

As politely as I can I tell Mike to get the fuck out of my hotel room, a few hours later I pass out.

Today

In conclusion Charlie man I am sorry if your bride was pissed at me throwing up at your wedding but you know what they say it’s not a wedding till someone passes out. Congratulation man.

My arms smell of rubbing alcohol and it’s not from a rabies shot Linda although I did try to get that today but apparently rabies is not a big enough deal in the US so none of the of places I called had it. In preparing for the Asia trip I consulted the CDC and tried to follow their recommendations for immunization, unfortunately I was not able to get all of the vaccination since apparently I live in a 3rd world country without access to proper medical care. Blue Cross PPO does not cover immunization if you are over 18. What good is insurance if I can’t use it for preventative medicine ? And the PPO for those of my readers that are not in the US is the most expensive form of insurance you can purchase through your employer which is supposed to give you greater coverage and more flexibility in terms of doctors and medications but apparently not vaccinations.

So after paying $285 out of my own pocket I am vaccinated for Hepatitis A , Hepatitis B,Typhoid, and Tetnus. Japanese encephalitis they could get for me but I would have to pay almost $400 out of my own pocket. Thank you insurance. I think they are just trying to kill me that way the life insurance company will have to pay out and they can hold onto all the fees they have collected from me over the years.

I have lost a 10 lb bag of rice in my apartment, it’s not that my apartment is very large but rather I am forgetful. Somehow my brain must have thought rice goes in the freezer or the oven or somewhere else but the cabinets. Now I am hungry and I can’t find the damn rice. I guess I’ll have to eat potatoes instead.

I am sitting in the bedroom as I type this and I can hear Sushi trying to dig his way out of the aquarium how is this possible ? My fish thinks it is a mole.

I missed the typhoon in Mexico mainly because it was on the other coast, the concert itself was fun, we sat on the beach drank cheap Mexican beers and had tacos from a taco stand. Everything was going well till I was coming back across the border with K who is still under the impression that you can drink a few beers and disavow all sense of responsibility. On the way to my friend who had graciously allowed us to crash at his place she suddenly screamed “cheeseburger” and bit my arm. Now you are thinking oh how cute a tiny bite, no you see this picture ? The bruise is just starting to color in, for future reference you should not bite people that hard no matter how hungry you are unless you are ready to accept the consequences of being bitten back.

Hi,
I know you’ve missed me. Well let’s be honest not really me, but your blogroll or bloglines. I know the link has not lit up for a few days and it’s been a lot of life stuff that is generally not very interesting.

I am still in shock over the loss of Wasabi, he will of course be replaced by Wasabi 2, bigger faster and with more algae eating powers. Alas poor Wasabi I didn’t know him well but he loved to stick to the filter. Wasabi was missed for about 92.5 seconds yesterday.

I become more and more detached from my current life as each second passes much like a balloon that is no longer tethered to reality. As an example I have started to plan vacations after my month long vacation. I thought long and hard about this and couldn’t see any reason why I would not go on another vacation once I had returned from SE Asia. There is a special from LA to Costa Rica for about $300 round trip. After that maybe I will head off to Iran for a few weeks, honestly I don’t see myself working again this year. Let me be Frank for a second here, *clutches liver* damn it I forgot Frank drank like there was no tomorrow, ok let’s not be Frank now. I wasn’t Frank for very long so I hope that hasn’t caused any confusion. But really there’s something I need to share.

We all have a destiny and I believe I have found mine at last, it is Crispix. At first I was as puzzled as you when the great angel *&%!# came to me in a dream. *&%!# (also known as Mooshi-mooshi a distant cousin of Gabriel) floated down on wings of fire and I instantly knew what she wanted. No, not hot angel sex like I was hoping for but rather a message of peace for all. You see Crispix is the most perfect cereal ever invented, like a hot 16 year old who is not wearing a bra and wears shorts that say SEXY on the back oner her way back from the beach Crispix is something you don’t question but rather experience. Continuing the disturbing analogy if you search a bit deeper you will find that Crispix is corn on one side and rice on the other much like how our teenage friend has a Jewish mother and a Muslim father. By studying each turn and curve we can all attain nirvana, it is only a matter of applying the mind properly. The perfection of Crispix is simply a window onto the greater Truth that awaits anyone who is willing to look.

Unfortunately 16 year olds are illegal in the US and you would have to travel to Canada to make them legal, Crispix however is available right now. We all have a destiny, mine is Crispix and I embrace it gladly.

Tune in tomorrow where we discuss what type of milk is best served with Crispix, whole (yes), low fat (no), %2 (NO), no fat (NO NO NO) and those who have strayed from the path (vegetarians) and their Hizbullah faction (vegans) and suicide bombers (raw food).

Nope it’s not the tour de france although that is going on right now, not that you would know it by watching ESPN. It’s the Badwater ultramarathon . 80 runners are in death valley right now running under conditions most of us wouldn’t consider walking in. It’s not so much a race against other people as it is a race against yourself. It’s not something you see anyone under 30 entering, instead lots of 40,50 and even 60 year olds. Meet the crazy people.
Enjoy your AC.

“We have reached our cruising altitude of 30,000 feet for Nashville, you are now free to move about the cabin but we ask that you do not form any lines for the front bathroom and keep your seat belt on while seated.” So says our Captain on Southwest flight 110 non stop from LA to Nashville. It’s a Sunday I have no business traveling on a Sunday, me and work have come to an understanding with regards to my employment mainly we will severe the relationship in mid August. The details still haven’t been worked out, I am hoping they will agree to lay me off that way I can collect unemployment and that will be enough to cover my rent.

In the meantime I am just going to plan my vacation out, 30 days in SE Asia. So far the breakdown is 3 days in Singapore, 7 days in Malaysia, 10 days in the Philippines, and a week in Thailand. If scuba diving, mountain climbing and jungle trekking don’t suffice to make a relaxing vacation I don’t know what will. Wenyu was going to meet me for part of it but I think a wedding in NJ ruined that idea, so if anyone would like to meet in any of the mentioned countries drop me a note asadba at gmail.com. I’ll also need a house sitter while I am gone so if you’d like to live in LA for a month, work on your tan and feed my fish let me know. Sushi, Sashimi, Ginger, Wasabi and Soy sauce are all well behaved fishes so you won’t have any problem feeding them.

I made an attempt at Gheime, it’s one of the easier persian dishes to make. It came out ok but nothing at all like what my mom used to make. It also took a lot of time. It’s no wonder I don’t make more persian dishes.

This dish on the other hand took only about 20 minutes to make. It’s lamb marinated with a combination, of garlic, chilic and soy sauces stir fried with green peppers onions and mushrooms.

I hope the death toll doesn’t climb any higher.
Tim I hope you and your family are ok.

“Look over there”
“oh a bunch of Jedis fighting”
“no behind them there’s a bunch of Ninjas in the bushes”

That’s just one of the great lines from the AnimeExpo convention. I had a great time, it was the first time I attended the show and it was good to renew my geek credentials. The pictures speak for themselves, I finally had enough of flikr, it’s just not the same as having your own system so I fixed gallery up and put some new pics on there. Enjoy.

Now about the job thing, I was ready to quit two weeks ago I had my speech prepared and everything. Hours before I was to have a meeting with my manager he sends an email saying he can’t make it to the con call. No biggie it’s only my job we are talking about, everything becomes a bit clearer in the sales con call 20 minutes later. The guy is no longer my manager that explains him skipping out on the con-call.

Two weeks later things are a bit better but I am still going to quit, it’s at that point where the other options seem more appealing. I have worked really hard to have a flexible life style where I can pick up move in a moments notice. I still like my 3 options, I’ve made a few inquiries and there has been some interest from other tech startups. But I need my break, I need a long vacation it’s been years since I’ve done an overseas trip purely for vacation. The japan trip doesn’t count since it was work related.

It’s a bit like being on top of a diving board and not seeing what’s down below but still jumping. Right now standing at the tip of the diving board I know I can go back down to the ladder and climb down. But I really really want to know what’s in the pool, it could be a very painful landing but I like pain. And after all I can’t let all these bandages go to waste.

Update: Just talked to my new boss and we agreed to set a date for mid august. I think this is the longest notice I have ever given.